Gay Reality: The Truth Behind Living the Life
Before defining what homosexuality means, perhaps you should know what it is not first. The American Psychological Association says, “Homosexuality is not a mental disorder so there’s no need to search for a cure.”
Throughout my life I’ve tried to get rid of my true identity by denying who I am. I am going to share my life’s trials and tribulations that come from being a homosexual, which simply means; to be attracted to the same sex. This is not normal in our society, men and women are “meant” for each other. But it doesn’t hurt to be different because the fact is as human beings we all come in different sizes, shapes, and colors but what connects us all as one is the fact that we all have a hard time every once in a while throughout life. We need to learn how to respect that. Instead of judging the outer core of the next person, take a second and realize that we all suffer and we all go through hard times. If we can respect that we can learn to respect each other.
I remember my youth, running back and forward to the bathroom to see if I had: gained a pound, grown an inch, grew some hair, but most importantly trying to see if I was the same person that I’d dread being each and everyday, and I always was.
It happened to me when I was an eight-year-old, I’d discovered their might be something different about me. It was in 3rd grade when I had my first kiss and I remember thinking to myself, “ this is nothing like the movies.” Of course not, because in movies there’s always a prince saving the princess and giving her a romantic kiss that sets fireworks off in the background and it’s just so beautiful, at least that’s what everybody says about men and women.
It was in the coat closet when a girl, who shall remain nameless in my book attacked me in the coat closet; it wasn’t a violent attack , not at all . It was similar to the movies when the man is in the bed with the woman and they’re rolling around with each other.
In this case we rolled right out of the coat closet and caught the whole class’s attention. I remember wanting to ball up and cry because I didn’t think it was wrong, I thought it was beautiful just like the prince and the princess but because of the way everyone else reacted I vowed never to draw so much attention again in my life .
At the age of eight, I joined a Baptist church on my own and signed up to be baptized weeks after that event. I had heard somewhere that I could burn for eternal life , in hell. I didn’t want to go to hell. Even at the age of eight from watching married family members , televisions, and cartoons I knew what I had done was wrong.
In high school, I wanted to be normal. I did my best to cover up who I truly was and I did a good job at that. If Wallace or Mike were the talk of week in the girl’s bathroom, I wanted to be able to talk about them too, so I did. I was the in-crowd and it felt good for a while because: I was the cheerleader, the popular girl, Wallace or Mike’s girlfriend, but I was a living lie.
My mom decided to switch me to a different high school and enrolled me at St. Scholastica Academy an all girl’s catholic school because she wanted me to have a better lifestyle. My first year there was my last year because Janelle Hampton, who at the time was my best friend and my biggest crush told me in the girl’s shower room :
“ Girl, I’m leaving this gay ass school, all the girl’s are gay,” She laughed and said pointing to an Asian girl with a mohawk that everyone knew was a real true lesbian, unlike me.
I can’t remember how the words, escaped my mouth or what made me say it but as I took off my gym uniform, I laughed along and said:
“I feel you, I can’t be around too many dykes either my skin starts to itch.” I said it loud enough for the Asian girl to hear and she looked at me and shook her head in shame. I wonder if she knew .
Sometimes I look back and wish I would’ve “came out of the closet” during my high school years perhaps, I would’ve had more fun growing up. I truly admire is 15-year-old Lawrence King from California; On February 15, 2008 King’s life was forced to come to an unexpected ending when he was gun down in his classroom by another student because of his sexual orientation. The 14-year-old attacker along with other classmates helped to harass King on a daily basis because he wore make-up and jewelry to school, and told the kids at school that he was gay. At such a young age, I think the most difficult time to come out and admit that you’re gay would be during grammar school or high school years. So I admire King because he had the guts to tell his classmates he was gay. He set an strong example for many young homosexuals who might be going through the same thing.
I was happy to find out that I wasn’t alone during my homosexual periods growing up ,turns out that about 37% of the gay males begin to experiment homosexual experience and sexual intercourse during puberty. It is not abnormal behavior scientists say that homosexuality at a young age can be considered as experimenting and beginning to understand your body during puberty. About 13% of young males actually have erotic feelings for other males but still come out heterosexual, either because “it was just a thought,” or because their suffering from what most homosexual go through with is the phrase that many are familiar with “being in the closet.”
For writer Joe Jervis, coming out was something he feared for his life . He went throughout his life hiding who he truly was, until his fear soon turned into shame and he had gotten disgusted with looking in the mirror at himself. No longer could he keep up his lie. In Fact, it was in college when his mom showed up at his apartment unexpectedly and instead of introducing her into his male friend he pushed the guy who happened not to have on any clothes at the time, outside on his patio. His mom stayed for a little while to catch up with him and his college life. After she left, Joe went to see if his boyfriend was still outside on the patio he was not, instead he had jumped from patio to patio which was stories high . Jervis not only put his boyfriend’s life in danger but he put his true self to side.
Similar to Jervis situation, I feared coming out also which is why I held my feelings for women deep down inside and instead dated lots of boys just to fit in the in crowd . Most of my relationships with males were terrible just as I predicted them to be . It wasn’t until just recently in college, when I first revealed to my mother what I had , had knowledge on for over ten years, the fact that I was gay.
“You’re abnormal.” She said.
I smiled and said, “ I know, but tell me mother, what is normal?” I then told her that if being normal meant me being unhappy for the rest of my life, I think I’ll pass.
Few years later from that and I can honestly say I am happy with myself, there’s nothing abnormal about me. Even though I sometimes get those weird stares, when I’m out with her at your local Red Lobsters. I forget that not only am I black but I’m a lesbian and that’s why I’m getting these harsh stares and people who laugh in our faces, because I am no longer hiding myself anymore.
Many gay people such as Jervis and I go through wonders and other adventurous things to hide their sexuality. One common practice that gay males tend to do in relationships and when accompanied by other gay males, is the usage of the feminine phrase “she” or “girl” to refer to the males in their life. This kind of conversation engagement is known as “Tea Time” or “Girl Talk”. One might ask why would a gay male refer to another male as a she or a girl? Well the reason is quite simple , considering the fact that gay males have to go through their lives hiding their sexuality this means from their families. They spend years pretending that the person they’re dating is a female so they use women names to avoid making their sexuality obvious. They continue to use the phrase just to use it because they’ve gotten so use to covering their lies up
However, On the other hand sometimes gays don’t cover themselves, other time society tries to make homosexuality out to be something that it’s not by creating myths or stereotypes. Most people when the image of lesbians appear in your thoughts you think that “one of you has to be the girl and the other has to be the boy”. In other words as a society we’re so used to the gender role, “the Barbie and the Ken image”, that even if it’s women together we still think that someone still has to be the male in the relationship.
Society demands this so much that 50% of the gays in America choose to take on a label in their relationships just to please society. The females that normally play the masculine role in relationships are known as labels such as : Studs, Butches, Bois, or Fagg bois. While the non-aggressive one of the relationship takes on the following labels: femme, Lipstick lesbian, High femme, or a Grrrl.
A lot of people want to follow in other’s footsteps, or make everyone proud of them. People spend so much of their time throughout their lives making sure everyone around them is comfortable or happy that they sometimes forget about their own happiness.
Which is why I disagree so strongly with lesbian labels as far as for the names that females are so often called the three main names are stud, fem , and versatile. A stud is a female that resembles a male often dresses as such, think as such, and talks as such. I disagree with this label that the gay community seem to not have a problem with because I don’t understand why a female who is gay and doesn’t like men would date a female that looks as such . A fem on the other hand is just your average female she loves being a woman dressing as such and acting as such. While a versatile lesbian is a female that dresses how she feels, she’s in touch with her stronger side but also doesn’t leave the softer side hanging. She too loves being a woman but acts like one whenever she wants too.
The gay community is a community that doesn’t have a strong understanding of itself, gay people discriminate against each other to the point where they sometimes make each other feel uncomfortable. This is why the labels have been invented to make people fit in and to help people feel comfortable. I don’t label myself because It reminds me of being a young girl again and trying so hard to fit in because I didn’t understand who I truly was. When you understand who you are as a person, why do you feel the need to have to define yourself for others?
One gay male speaks on the pressure of taking on labels in the gay community; “It’s like waking up out of a coma in intensive care only to go to another unit where the bed is better fit and the pain is more intense,” says Christopher Lee Nutter a New York Times journalist. He then suggests that the LGBT community needs to let go and define their truth selves because letting go is the only way to make room in your mind for something else.
Famous lesbian author Diana Cage suggests that many feel the need to take on a label in order to make society accept them. But in reality this just tends to confuse the gay culture even more, when more and more labels for gays are thrown out in the gay community, it starts to seem as if gay people are still closeting themselves.
“It’s perfectly ok to be aggressive and confident. It doesn’t make you a boy; it make makes you hot!” Cage says this to encourage gay women who feel the need to take on a masculine role in society in order to fit in or get notice because many feel invisible.
As a lesbian , I choose not to be labeled because I feel that if I like women then I’m gay and that’s the bottom line I shouldn’t have to label myself so that it makes more sense to society or the rest of the world. I don’t care about making others feel comfortable with my life because I am the only one that’s living it.
I have to explain to the fems that I normally date (fems are the females that are extremely feminine) that I am not a stud nor am I any other label out there before they enter a relationship with me. Many of my exs laughed and labeled me anyways calling me “versatile” or an “aggressive fem” which is just a female with boyish ways. I’ve never come across a gay female that understood the fact that I don’t label myself as a lesbian until recently.
When I first mat my girlfriend I did the usual thing that I do when I’m interested in a female, I explained to her that I don’t label myself .
“That’s good because I was just going to call you, Angie anyway.” She laughed and said.
I truly love her for understanding that and me. I don’t have a lot of gay friends that are females because they usually accuse me of thinking I’m superior to them by not claiming a label, it hurts me because not only is it hard for me to fit in with the society outside of the gay community but it’s also hard for me to be accepted by my own gay community.
I just think with all of the negativity that the gay community receives from the rest of the world that everyone would be at least accepting with each other but it isn’t like that at all. There’s a lot of hatred and confusion going on inside of the community. If we don’t stand strong as a whole how do we expect anyone outside of the community to respect us? The reason why I think that there’s so much hatred inside of the community is because deep down majority of gays still fear being rejected by society so they take it out on their own kind, especially if their own kind have no problem accepting who they truly are.
We tend not to understand things because deep down inside we fear what we aren’t use to, Dorothy Thompson a famous American journalist states,“ fear grows in the darkness; If you think there’s a bogeyman around turn on the light.” This statement is one that suits society and the gay community we need to learn more about each other. In other words if there’s something in life that you fear the best way to get rid of that fear is to find out about it , so look and see for yourself what’s it really about .
In reality Homosexuals are just the same as any regular human being out there. We do, (you know us lesbians and other gay beings) celebrate the corny hallmark holiday known as Valentines Day, just like a huge percentage of America would with their boyfriend or girlfriend. We do shop together, go out to eat together, cry tears at night, bleed from a bad cut, mourn over a lost one, argue with each other, break-up and make-up, and we do live. We all are the same if only people get to know each other and what’s underneath we will realize how similar everyone actually is.
My question for the people that laugh, shake their heads at us, and give us disgusting looks; Why does seeing someone else happy cause you to react in a negative way? Ask yourself how happy are you with your life while you’re so busy worrying about someone else’s happiness, have you found yours?
Throughout my life I’ve tried to get rid of my true identity by denying who I am. I am going to share my life’s trials and tribulations that come from being a homosexual, which simply means; to be attracted to the same sex. This is not normal in our society, men and women are “meant” for each other. But it doesn’t hurt to be different because the fact is as human beings we all come in different sizes, shapes, and colors but what connects us all as one is the fact that we all have a hard time every once in a while throughout life. We need to learn how to respect that. Instead of judging the outer core of the next person, take a second and realize that we all suffer and we all go through hard times. If we can respect that we can learn to respect each other.
I remember my youth, running back and forward to the bathroom to see if I had: gained a pound, grown an inch, grew some hair, but most importantly trying to see if I was the same person that I’d dread being each and everyday, and I always was.
It happened to me when I was an eight-year-old, I’d discovered their might be something different about me. It was in 3rd grade when I had my first kiss and I remember thinking to myself, “ this is nothing like the movies.” Of course not, because in movies there’s always a prince saving the princess and giving her a romantic kiss that sets fireworks off in the background and it’s just so beautiful, at least that’s what everybody says about men and women.
It was in the coat closet when a girl, who shall remain nameless in my book attacked me in the coat closet; it wasn’t a violent attack , not at all . It was similar to the movies when the man is in the bed with the woman and they’re rolling around with each other.
In this case we rolled right out of the coat closet and caught the whole class’s attention. I remember wanting to ball up and cry because I didn’t think it was wrong, I thought it was beautiful just like the prince and the princess but because of the way everyone else reacted I vowed never to draw so much attention again in my life .
At the age of eight, I joined a Baptist church on my own and signed up to be baptized weeks after that event. I had heard somewhere that I could burn for eternal life , in hell. I didn’t want to go to hell. Even at the age of eight from watching married family members , televisions, and cartoons I knew what I had done was wrong.
In high school, I wanted to be normal. I did my best to cover up who I truly was and I did a good job at that. If Wallace or Mike were the talk of week in the girl’s bathroom, I wanted to be able to talk about them too, so I did. I was the in-crowd and it felt good for a while because: I was the cheerleader, the popular girl, Wallace or Mike’s girlfriend, but I was a living lie.
My mom decided to switch me to a different high school and enrolled me at St. Scholastica Academy an all girl’s catholic school because she wanted me to have a better lifestyle. My first year there was my last year because Janelle Hampton, who at the time was my best friend and my biggest crush told me in the girl’s shower room :
“ Girl, I’m leaving this gay ass school, all the girl’s are gay,” She laughed and said pointing to an Asian girl with a mohawk that everyone knew was a real true lesbian, unlike me.
I can’t remember how the words, escaped my mouth or what made me say it but as I took off my gym uniform, I laughed along and said:
“I feel you, I can’t be around too many dykes either my skin starts to itch.” I said it loud enough for the Asian girl to hear and she looked at me and shook her head in shame. I wonder if she knew .
Sometimes I look back and wish I would’ve “came out of the closet” during my high school years perhaps, I would’ve had more fun growing up. I truly admire is 15-year-old Lawrence King from California; On February 15, 2008 King’s life was forced to come to an unexpected ending when he was gun down in his classroom by another student because of his sexual orientation. The 14-year-old attacker along with other classmates helped to harass King on a daily basis because he wore make-up and jewelry to school, and told the kids at school that he was gay. At such a young age, I think the most difficult time to come out and admit that you’re gay would be during grammar school or high school years. So I admire King because he had the guts to tell his classmates he was gay. He set an strong example for many young homosexuals who might be going through the same thing.
I was happy to find out that I wasn’t alone during my homosexual periods growing up ,turns out that about 37% of the gay males begin to experiment homosexual experience and sexual intercourse during puberty. It is not abnormal behavior scientists say that homosexuality at a young age can be considered as experimenting and beginning to understand your body during puberty. About 13% of young males actually have erotic feelings for other males but still come out heterosexual, either because “it was just a thought,” or because their suffering from what most homosexual go through with is the phrase that many are familiar with “being in the closet.”
For writer Joe Jervis, coming out was something he feared for his life . He went throughout his life hiding who he truly was, until his fear soon turned into shame and he had gotten disgusted with looking in the mirror at himself. No longer could he keep up his lie. In Fact, it was in college when his mom showed up at his apartment unexpectedly and instead of introducing her into his male friend he pushed the guy who happened not to have on any clothes at the time, outside on his patio. His mom stayed for a little while to catch up with him and his college life. After she left, Joe went to see if his boyfriend was still outside on the patio he was not, instead he had jumped from patio to patio which was stories high . Jervis not only put his boyfriend’s life in danger but he put his true self to side.
Similar to Jervis situation, I feared coming out also which is why I held my feelings for women deep down inside and instead dated lots of boys just to fit in the in crowd . Most of my relationships with males were terrible just as I predicted them to be . It wasn’t until just recently in college, when I first revealed to my mother what I had , had knowledge on for over ten years, the fact that I was gay.
“You’re abnormal.” She said.
I smiled and said, “ I know, but tell me mother, what is normal?” I then told her that if being normal meant me being unhappy for the rest of my life, I think I’ll pass.
Few years later from that and I can honestly say I am happy with myself, there’s nothing abnormal about me. Even though I sometimes get those weird stares, when I’m out with her at your local Red Lobsters. I forget that not only am I black but I’m a lesbian and that’s why I’m getting these harsh stares and people who laugh in our faces, because I am no longer hiding myself anymore.
Many gay people such as Jervis and I go through wonders and other adventurous things to hide their sexuality. One common practice that gay males tend to do in relationships and when accompanied by other gay males, is the usage of the feminine phrase “she” or “girl” to refer to the males in their life. This kind of conversation engagement is known as “Tea Time” or “Girl Talk”. One might ask why would a gay male refer to another male as a she or a girl? Well the reason is quite simple , considering the fact that gay males have to go through their lives hiding their sexuality this means from their families. They spend years pretending that the person they’re dating is a female so they use women names to avoid making their sexuality obvious. They continue to use the phrase just to use it because they’ve gotten so use to covering their lies up
However, On the other hand sometimes gays don’t cover themselves, other time society tries to make homosexuality out to be something that it’s not by creating myths or stereotypes. Most people when the image of lesbians appear in your thoughts you think that “one of you has to be the girl and the other has to be the boy”. In other words as a society we’re so used to the gender role, “the Barbie and the Ken image”, that even if it’s women together we still think that someone still has to be the male in the relationship.
Society demands this so much that 50% of the gays in America choose to take on a label in their relationships just to please society. The females that normally play the masculine role in relationships are known as labels such as : Studs, Butches, Bois, or Fagg bois. While the non-aggressive one of the relationship takes on the following labels: femme, Lipstick lesbian, High femme, or a Grrrl.
A lot of people want to follow in other’s footsteps, or make everyone proud of them. People spend so much of their time throughout their lives making sure everyone around them is comfortable or happy that they sometimes forget about their own happiness.
Which is why I disagree so strongly with lesbian labels as far as for the names that females are so often called the three main names are stud, fem , and versatile. A stud is a female that resembles a male often dresses as such, think as such, and talks as such. I disagree with this label that the gay community seem to not have a problem with because I don’t understand why a female who is gay and doesn’t like men would date a female that looks as such . A fem on the other hand is just your average female she loves being a woman dressing as such and acting as such. While a versatile lesbian is a female that dresses how she feels, she’s in touch with her stronger side but also doesn’t leave the softer side hanging. She too loves being a woman but acts like one whenever she wants too.
The gay community is a community that doesn’t have a strong understanding of itself, gay people discriminate against each other to the point where they sometimes make each other feel uncomfortable. This is why the labels have been invented to make people fit in and to help people feel comfortable. I don’t label myself because It reminds me of being a young girl again and trying so hard to fit in because I didn’t understand who I truly was. When you understand who you are as a person, why do you feel the need to have to define yourself for others?
One gay male speaks on the pressure of taking on labels in the gay community; “It’s like waking up out of a coma in intensive care only to go to another unit where the bed is better fit and the pain is more intense,” says Christopher Lee Nutter a New York Times journalist. He then suggests that the LGBT community needs to let go and define their truth selves because letting go is the only way to make room in your mind for something else.
Famous lesbian author Diana Cage suggests that many feel the need to take on a label in order to make society accept them. But in reality this just tends to confuse the gay culture even more, when more and more labels for gays are thrown out in the gay community, it starts to seem as if gay people are still closeting themselves.
“It’s perfectly ok to be aggressive and confident. It doesn’t make you a boy; it make makes you hot!” Cage says this to encourage gay women who feel the need to take on a masculine role in society in order to fit in or get notice because many feel invisible.
As a lesbian , I choose not to be labeled because I feel that if I like women then I’m gay and that’s the bottom line I shouldn’t have to label myself so that it makes more sense to society or the rest of the world. I don’t care about making others feel comfortable with my life because I am the only one that’s living it.
I have to explain to the fems that I normally date (fems are the females that are extremely feminine) that I am not a stud nor am I any other label out there before they enter a relationship with me. Many of my exs laughed and labeled me anyways calling me “versatile” or an “aggressive fem” which is just a female with boyish ways. I’ve never come across a gay female that understood the fact that I don’t label myself as a lesbian until recently.
When I first mat my girlfriend I did the usual thing that I do when I’m interested in a female, I explained to her that I don’t label myself .
“That’s good because I was just going to call you, Angie anyway.” She laughed and said.
I truly love her for understanding that and me. I don’t have a lot of gay friends that are females because they usually accuse me of thinking I’m superior to them by not claiming a label, it hurts me because not only is it hard for me to fit in with the society outside of the gay community but it’s also hard for me to be accepted by my own gay community.
I just think with all of the negativity that the gay community receives from the rest of the world that everyone would be at least accepting with each other but it isn’t like that at all. There’s a lot of hatred and confusion going on inside of the community. If we don’t stand strong as a whole how do we expect anyone outside of the community to respect us? The reason why I think that there’s so much hatred inside of the community is because deep down majority of gays still fear being rejected by society so they take it out on their own kind, especially if their own kind have no problem accepting who they truly are.
We tend not to understand things because deep down inside we fear what we aren’t use to, Dorothy Thompson a famous American journalist states,“ fear grows in the darkness; If you think there’s a bogeyman around turn on the light.” This statement is one that suits society and the gay community we need to learn more about each other. In other words if there’s something in life that you fear the best way to get rid of that fear is to find out about it , so look and see for yourself what’s it really about .
In reality Homosexuals are just the same as any regular human being out there. We do, (you know us lesbians and other gay beings) celebrate the corny hallmark holiday known as Valentines Day, just like a huge percentage of America would with their boyfriend or girlfriend. We do shop together, go out to eat together, cry tears at night, bleed from a bad cut, mourn over a lost one, argue with each other, break-up and make-up, and we do live. We all are the same if only people get to know each other and what’s underneath we will realize how similar everyone actually is.
My question for the people that laugh, shake their heads at us, and give us disgusting looks; Why does seeing someone else happy cause you to react in a negative way? Ask yourself how happy are you with your life while you’re so busy worrying about someone else’s happiness, have you found yours?
Daughters - John Mayer
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